August 2

While these posts have been copied here intact, it was this day that I found the words of my friends were becoming so precious to me.  So I decided to copy their comments to me as well.

Thanks Tracy, for your gift.  I got the package today.  I like the Snood style hat.  Apparently I need sleep caps and those are the cheapest I have seen.  I'm a little freaked by how the costs are mounting up. Doctors want their full copay in advance.   Ok.  But when they schedule you to see 4 doctors in a week...those copays add up. I wanted several caps and KJ told me I might have to settle for two...one to wear and one to wash.   But the costs are mounting.

It's bad enough to lose your boobs, your hair, your eyebrows and lashes.  Did you realize you even lose the PUBES?  Not that I'm going to miss it that much, leg or pit hair either.  But I feel like I'm losing the Rosey Diva here. sigh sniffle. It's been an emotional day.

Anyone who sees hats, scarves chemo accessories for cheap, please post the link.

Sally: you know, Tina.....they do make wigs for other places than your head.  You could always get a merkin.  lol

Paula:  NEVER!  Your Rosey Diva is mostly your attitude and sense of humor.  {{My Forever Diva friend}}

Rosey:  Sally! You lie. Seriously. I have seen false eyebrows and eye lashes.   But is a merkin what I think you mean?  I have to google that.  And then that begs the question why? lol That's a shave I won't miss.

Sally:  oh yeah, that's what I meant   isn't that hilarious?  merkin  

Rosey:  Oh my goodness. It's true! That was to funny.  Ginny and anyone else who have asked about my favorite colors....of course I love deep ruby red, rosey red and pink. I like black, off white and blues. I love those black yarns that have multicolor specks. And those ombre yarns would make pretty hats too. So ummm... I guess that about covers the color wheel. I guess orange, kelly green and school bus yellow would be nos. lol

 Nell:  that is truly disturbing.......why???? who????....nevermind, i don't really want to go there again! Leave it to you Sally!!!

Paula: Too bad the Merkins are so expensive or you may have received a nice gag gift from me.  lol  Oh and Ewwwwwww!

Sally:  The only reason I know about that is b/c they were featured on Sex and the City, (gross) and I never watched it, but at the time it was on, I was on a huge scrapbook message board and they all started talking about it.  And I just found it hilarious and disturbing 

Danica:  Why did I click that.......ewwwwwwwww gives a new meaning to locks of luv ~ lol

Dealing with cancer is easier with the 

support of good friends.

Telling the Kids

 Last night we called James and told him we needed to talk to him. If they could meet us at Wendy's, we'd buy them dinner. I told him to bring Mandy with him. They met us and came in. Kelly went up and bought their dinner. We tried to let them have their meal without ruining it for them. As he wound down, James looked up and asked "So this is about grandma isn't it. She's gotten a lot worse." 

Kelly looked at him. My eyes were already filling with tears. I so did not to tell James. Kelly told him, "no son. This is about your mom. She had a mammogram last week and she has breast cancer." I felt James slump against the back of the bench, as if he needed the support. "This is for certain?" I nodded. Wow, my voice seems to stay hoarse these days. I cleared my throat and answered. "I have had the biopsy and it's positive for cancer."

He frowned and asked. "Did you find a lump?" I shook my head and told him it was supposed to be a routine yearly mammogram. Kelly couldn't stand it. "It appears that we caught it early. But mom is going to have to have chemo. And she has already decided to have a double mastectomy."

Both James and Mandy turned to look at me. "I am. I'm not going to risk being told I have cancer a second time. It might be different if there was NO family history, but since we are full of cancer risks...this is one I'm getting rid of."

I glance at my son and I can see the tears that are silently dropping off his nose. He's barely holding it together. Seeing his pain is ripping out my heart. We explain that I have some exams to have done and I'm working on finding a surgeon. But right now, there's just not a lot of information. I explain that while his Aunt Trish knows, I am not telling Becky or Mom until I have more information. Grandma is going to take this hard, so I want to give them as much information as I can.

James agrees. Grandma is going to be very upset. I told him his grandpa is probably chewing on God’s ear right now. With a shaking voice, I recount one of the conversations dad had with me during his last year. He’d told his story again about how he prayed, “Why me God? And God answered, “Why not? Why are you any more special than any other person? Why would I let my son suffer for the Kingdom but deliver you from yours?” He was quiet a moment and added. “You know, it doesn’t really amount to anything, but I made a pact with God.”

Really? I answered. Look at you, you’re still standing. He chuckled and got serious. “I told God, I’d see this cancer thing right to the end, but I wanted my girls to be spared from cancer. I don’t want you girls to go through this. There’s just to much cancer in this family.” I smiled at him and told him I really understood. But he has been fighting, been so brave and strong. We were learning so much from him despite his cancer. He blinked his watery eyes and asked, “So what’s a man gotta do to get some supper in this joint?” The moment was over.

James nodded and answered, "Yeah, I guess grandpa might have a harder time than even grandma." I told him it was going to be hard for momma because she has this cancer. She knows what I am facing. And she is going to hate that. But dad? I was a daddy’s girl.

Mandy tells me it’s a nice story. But she was really sad this was happening this way. I tell them I will need all their support in the coming months. I have yet to find out how much cancer I have. Our best scenario is that this is only breast cancer. Inwardly I fear that inside me are more bombs yet to land.  K keeps interrupting me, stating there's no reason to think this is anything but breast cancer.  He's right.  No reason.


Cancers killed my father, my aunts, and in a long reaching finger – is now killing my mother. But I can’t tell them this. K. gets so agitated when I mention how scared I am that there's more cancer. I look at my son and his silent tears are killing me.  He's looking away, and I recognize the stance and face I know so well.  He's trying not to break down.  He's trying not to cry, he's trying to be brace.  He's not the only one.


I stand up rather abruptly and tell KJ we need to go. The truth is I needed to go, to run away from this pain. The raw anguish on the faces of my kids were razors to my emotions. I couldn’t hold it together very much longer.

We hugged tightly, and I climbed into our little Mazda pickup. I loved that little truck. It was comfortingly familiar in all this new landscape. I leaned my head back and whispered to K. That was hard, I told him. He agreed. We pulled away.

Months later Mandy would tell me that when we drove away, James grabbed her in a fiercely tight hug and they cried together on that ever darkening concrete parking lot outside the of Wendys.

Having cancer would be easier 

without having to cope with the emotions 

of everyone else.

Scared

July 29th

It very comforting that I have all my friends praying for me. I plan to add anyone with unlimited texts to my phone. So I can do an update and get a hold of everyone. Then Kel can take my phone and by choosing WOW or church, send surgery updates or chemo updates without having to look up all of you...or trying to figure out how to use my touch screen web. The man is totally flummoxed by how to move the screen with his fingers. lol

I'm trying to think of things I can do now to prepare for this. Anyone know what I should be doing?

I do think I need to find sports bras. I had one good one. Shaking around my brain is some memory that you need to wear tight bras.  I'm going to hate the period of time between mastectomy and reconstruction. Assuming the insurance company lets me do that.

I have told my youngest sister. She just had a lumpectomy in May and is under treatment for ca. prevention. Her's was a benign cyst. I thought she needed to know first so she could tell her doctor that her risk just went up. They may decide to be more aggressive.  I chickened out.  I told her by text. She's a crier.  I'm a companion crier.   If I see you cry, I lose it.  I knew we'd never get past "I have cancer" if I actually spoke to her. :/  There is a lot of resources online on how to tell your family, spouse and children.  KJ was there, so he guessed it before I said a word.

My younger sister knows that I plan to tell mom after I see the surgeon. She offered to tell mom if I can't get there before I have surgery. I so don't want to tell her.  Mom had breast cancer twice.  The first time, she had radiation.  The second time was not long after my "big fall".  I wasn't up and about yet.  She had a double mastectomy that time.  Now I think I have told you that her liver doctor believes that Tamoxifen destroyed her liver.  There was never any blood work drawn to see how well her liver was doing.  Her cancer doctor waved off the discussion telling mom it had nothing to do with anything at all.  The liver specialist is adamant that this is what caused mom's NASH syndrome.  (Non Alcoholic Scoliosing Hepatitis.)

Today's news is that I'm having a pelvic ultrasound at 3 pm. I really need my aches and pains to be related to ovulation and menstruation.  I don't know I can handle hearing again "there's something we need to take a closer look on".

That's the irony. I'd asked to have a pelvic ultrasound every other year. This summer I started having pelvic aches on one side or the other. It usually showed up at ovulation or a couple days before AF. But it was time to get this checked. The breast exam was a second thought...well while you are scheduling the pelvic, let’s do the mammy.  I'm very nervous.  The pelvic discomfort is why I started all this.  I guess I should be grateful.  I just cannot muster up any gratitude right now.  I'm mad at God and don't want to speak Him right now.

Called my doctor yesterday and asked for a script for Atavan while I go through these things. I'm very anxious. So I will be taking one beforehand.  I took one before bed. It's the lowest dose. I couldn't tell it did anything. But we will see. I need them to let KJ into the exam with me. I will cry and plead for compassion if they say no. Not to be manipulative but because I'm holding it together, but only just.

James is off today. So Kel feels after this appointment we need to swing by there and tell him. Pray for him....and me to get through this. But you know my concerns there.

Those of you who have ordered pink bracelets, I'm honored you'd wear the bracelet for me. I will look for one too so it will encourage me to speak up and encourage women to schedule their mammy regularly. I used to do it every April. Then it got to just "sometime this year. So in '08 I goofed around and got it done in Nov/ Dec '08. Then last Dec...The wheels came off KJs job and we were stressed and I kept saying this winter. I'll do it this winter. That was this last winter.  So here its 7 months later than it should have been.

I just found a metric ruler and I find a cm is not as small as I thought. Its darn near a half inch! I kick myself and think it’s my own darn fault that it's spread to the lympths. I let it grow. In my defense, I did do self-exams and always thought you would be able to feel any tumor. Apparently if it's at the back of the breast tissue you won't feel it until its way bigger. She did tell me I wouldn't have detected it for 2 more years’ cuz of where it's at.  I learned later that one of the stages of coping with a cancer diagnosis is fear and then guilt.  I guess I can check those off my list.

So everyone over 40...promise me you will get your mammy done.

Have I mentioned how scared I am?  Kelly doesn't want me to talk about my fears.  I think it freaks him out to consider the worst case scenario.

 

 Fighting Cancer is harder when 

you aren't allowed to be real about your feelings

It’s Cancer

I got the results from the biopsy.  It is confirmed cancer.  And I have it in the lymph nodes already.  The Radiologist called yesterday to tell me herself.  Hearing 'you have cancer' takes the wind out of you.  When she told me it was in the lymph system, I started to shake.   I dropped the cell phone and KJ had to tell her thank you.  She told him I needed to schedule an appointment as soon as possible with a surgeon.  I remember a keening kind of cry and then I started rocking back and forth, sobbing.  Kelly wrapped his arms around me.  He took today off for this very reason.  I clung to him, while he assured me that he will be going through this right beside me.  He told me, You don't have to do this alone but you have to fight this.  To think that my mom and my dad and my lovely aunt Doris all heard those same words.

I kept thinking "I'm going to die.  People in my family don't just get cancer.  They die from cancer.  I don't know what to do next.

Fighting Cancer is…Scary.

The Roller Coaster Begins

Actual post of 7/29/2010

Oh guys. I know this upsets your apple carts too. Few of us have met in person but we have shared so much in our lives. I am fine with anyone sharing this with prayer partners or women’s groups. I think it hits close to home for everyone with breasts.

For what it's worth...I had no idea there was any issue with the boobs. I do self-breast exams nearly every shower. The radiologist said without the mammogram I would not have felt this tumor for at least two more years. This tumor is tiny. Only supposed to be 1 cm, but it's pumping out poison. By the time I knew there was a lump...ca could have been all around the body. It scares me that people will now wait till they are 50 because of the new guidelines. This mammy, though it took the wind out of me...allows me to get this treated before it is seeded throughout the body. 

I'm having a pelvic ultrasound tomorrow. That one scares me. I was supposed to have gotten it done in May but the hospital says they never got the order. With all the hormonal fluctuation I have had...I had worried about this test more than the mammogram.  They called this morning and KJ told me...we need to know if there are any ovarian issues before talking to the surgeon. *gulp* He's right. But IF I had breast AND ovarian ca...Just pour me into a rubber room.

Several people have texted today and offered to drive me to appointments or our weekend nurse - Janet has offered to leave us her truck for weeks if I have clusters of appointments. 

I'm stocking up in ice bags for post op...I used the one from the biopsy for 36 hours. So I know how well that helped. We will be working to get the house all cleaned up this weekend. I came home from moms, it wasn't filthy...but it was cluttered. And days of in and out, it looks like a laundry and paper bomb went off in it. Have you ever questioned...if I died in an accident today what would people find in my house? blech not a pretty sight. Not that I'm applying that here...I just look around when leaving sometimes and hope I get back to pull that dirty underwear off the ceiling fan.

Ran out of words...but I'm back. The surgeon's visit is Monday at 10 am. This is a 'new for me' doctor. My old surgeon doesn't "do" breasts anymore but said he would do my surgery because I'm a former patient. His first appointment wasn't until the 19th of next month and no way could we wait till then. KJ's mantra is…get it out, get it out! So I opted for another surgeon and just took the one available. His name is Etters. I don't know anything about him. But his nurse, Mandy called me to get some information. She was amazing and very reassuring.

Got a call a little while ago that Dr. Etters wouldn't be available for my 3 pm appointment today. He just found out he had OR on call. So he told them to reschedule me first pick as "she is a young woman with new cancer so I know she's scared. Schedule her first over the returns." He may have just won my heart with that sentence. :) You know how everyone falls for their OB? I wonder if the same thing happens with a surgeon. I'm pretty certain my insurance will cover breast reconstruction but gotta let them fight it out.

Fighting Cancer is hard when 

you’re afraid you’re going to die.

July 27, 2010 The Day I Learned I Had Cancer

I walked into a routine mammogram this afternoon.

 I walked out with breast cancer.

That was the message I posted on 7/27/2010 to my online friends of more than 10 years (the WOW girls) . So much I could not say at the time.

The radiologist was certain of the diagnosis. But she did a breast biopsy as well to confirm. I also have enlarged lymph nodes in the arm pit. They were biopsied as well. The next step will depend on whether there is cancer in these lymph nodes. If there is I will most likely have chemo first then surgery. Otherwise I will have surgery. She did think that it will be a lumpectomy. But I already was looking ahead and telling myself "No Lumpectomies.  If this is cancer, I'm having mastectomies.  And if it's NOT cancer I'm still having mastectomies."

This breast biopsy isn't the worst thing but its not picnic either.

I should get confirmation on Thurs afternoon. She already asked for my surgeon's name. Hopefully we can move forward quickly. But seriously do people have a list of doctors in their heads? I have used a surgeon before, but where or how do you look for an Oncologist?

My mind is still spinning around wondering how can I take care of mom? I told her I would stay with her so she doesn't have to leave her home as her condition deteriorates. I don't know what will happen if I can't take care of mom. KJ is stressed with his new job and I need to be able to help him. Now he's looking at having to take care of the house and laundry and meals.

Please don't refer to this on facebook. We are NOT telling my mom or sisters. And we are waiting til the pathology report comes in before telling James. Knowing whether it's spread is a major factor in what comes next.

Rosey's Story

 I can't describe the buzz that begins in your head when a tech tells you to come to the ultrasound room. "There is something we want to investigate." I was here for a routine mammogram! This was certainly not how it is supposed to go!   She was supposed to come out and tell me it was okay to go on home!

I laid on that table in total disbelief. I remember looking away, asking 

"God...really? Are you sure about this? 

Do I really have to do this?" 

And then my next thought was about my husband. He's out there waiting for me and it's already been considerably longer than expected. I asked them to go out and tell him I was having more tests. They did but it turned out they alarmed him more, because they would not tell him what was going on. "She is having more tests" is all they would tell him.

We are a single vehicle family. I am a home maker. He has a new position at the Hospital where he works. It's a stressful position and he has new hours. 8 - 4:30 doesn't leave a lot of room for scheduling appointments. So even though this date, is our 31st wedding anniversary; I had scheduled an appointment for a routine mammogram.

Still I told myself they are just being cautious. This was not really happening.  I struggled to hold myself together. Just a few moments into the ultrasound the Radiologist comes in and tells me "I am certain this is cancer. This is ductal carcinoma." 

And just that quickly she changed my life. 

In that moment, something in me gave way, like the way the ocean waves dissolve the sand castle.  There was a kind of shift where denial is left behind and you face a different future with a cold sweaty, absolute kind of horror. You are facing the Unknown. It made me shiver.

She turned to me and spoke to me, "I'm here now and I can do a biopsy right now and get that out of the way or you can go home and schedule a biopsy at another time." My blood went solid. I tried to speak. My throat is so dry. I cleared my throat and tried again.

"Are we talking about a needle biopsy?"

She nodded and told me "We can do this now, so you have a final answer. I am certain this is cancer, but I understand that you need the confirmation. But if you would rather, you can schedule to come back to have it done later in the week."

"NO!" my mind screams. The idea of waiting around with this THING inside me, is something that makes me shake. "Where is my husband? I want my husband." They told me that men are not permitted back out of respect for the other women. I nodded because I think that's what I'm supposed to do. But this sucks.  I am alone and trying so hard not to panic, not to come unglued.  The technician gently takes my hand and squeezes. Tears dripped from my eyes, collecting in my ears.

I know what KJ's answer would be. He would tell me to get the biopsy now. So I tell them, "Go ahead." Then I asked them to please send someone to KJ to let him know that we are now doing a biopsy. They do. But when he asks, why? They won't tell him. He told me later how that he knew. I wouldn't have sent somone out to him, if I was undergoing something totally unexpected.  So unknown to me, he sent out a panicked prayer request by texting our pastor Jason and his wife Marcia. "Pray for Tina. She was having a routine mammogram today. But she's been back there over an hour and they keep coming out to tell me they are doing more. They won't tell me what is going on. So please, pray."

I turned my head away as the Radiologist took her position. She explains that this biopsy tool looks similar to a large syringe. The needle is large a 16 gauge needle. I cringe. I know what that means. It is a huge needle. She explains that I will feel a pinch, then a sting. She will cut a tiny incision to insert the needle. "Whew," I told her. "I wondered how you would get that garden hose through my skin" She pats my arm and knows what I know. I'm trying to be brave. I'm willing myself not to panic. I'm trying to cope with humor. I tell myself just one breath at a time. In and out...concentrate on breathing.

"Really God?" Are you serious? 

Have I not dealt with enough in my life?"

The room is suddenly freezing. I started actively shivering. The hard surface I'm lying on isn't helping my herniated disc. But I barely acknowledge the muscle spasm. The room is silent but for the soft whir of the ultrasound machine. There's the pinch and the sting. I can't believe this is actually happening to me. Now I understand the concept of living through a nightmare.

As she takes the biopsy, the device makes a snapping sound that made me jump. "I will take a biopsy from two positions on this tumor. It is a small tumor, Tina. You caught it early." She adjusts the instrument. Another snap and another jump. "Tina, you will need to make an appointment with a surgeon. Do you have a surgeon?" Have a surgeon? Does everyone have a surgeon in their contact list. It so happened I did. "Dr. Pitt did my lap band."

"Oh, He is an excellent doctor. You are in good hands. He's a wonderful breast surgeon." Despite my resolve to maintain some dignity, a tear rolls down my face. I have to hold things together. I want things to slow down. I can't believe I'm now talking about surgery. She is STILL talking. "If there is no involvement of the lymph nodes, you can have a lumpectomy. If there is involvement of the nodes...well he will go over your options." Silently I tell her, there will be no lumpectomy. These breasts have betrayed me. They are going to be gone. Not going to give this a chance to come back.

The Radiologist is speaking again. I strain to hear her over the machines. "Tina, there are 2 lymph nodes that a little large. Not grossly large, they are just on the big side of normal. But since I am right here, I am going to take biopsies of them too." I nod that I understand and continue to instruct myself to breathe. Two more snaps and a jump. I could not prepare myself for those snaps.

Dr. Radiologist is speaking again. I shake my head trying to shake loose the buzzing in my ears. The room has become so loud and hot. The buzzing lifts an instant and I hear her. She's been talking so I catch mid-sentence. .."Steri-strips over the incisions. They will come off on their own. Take it easy tonight. I'm giving you an ice pack to use for the drive home. Let your husband drive. Take Ibuprofen for the pain. If you develop redness, swelling or fever, call this department immediately and they will page me." Again I nod that I understand while my voice hoarsely answers, "OK."

They help me sit upright on the table. Gravity hits my head, and the buzzing is back. My mind cannot focus. I am struck with irony as I pick up my bra to dress. I just bought this bra yesterday. Pink with hot pink and yellow lipstick kiss marks all around. It was a fun bra. Now I stare it blankly. The fun has been drained away.

 My knees are weak as I headed for the door. I staggered slightly and walked out of that chamber of horror. As I walked down the hallway toward the waiting room where Kelly sits, I stiffened my spine. I fought back tears. I have to explain what happened. I have to be strong for him. I walked the longest hallway in the hospital. I tell myself how relieved I am that we celebrated the day before, because I just ruined our 31st anniversary.

 I opened the door to the waiting room and I saw my husband jump to his feet. Seeing him there broke my resolve. We are alone in the room. Tears break forth and stream down my face, despite my determination that I would not cry. I fought the urge to run to him. As I move closer to him, he was shaking his head.  "They found something didn't they?"   It was not a question.  I had lost my ability to speak. He swept me into his arms and buried my head into his shoulder. And I sobbed.  His touch had melted my resolve to hold it together. He was an anchor in the rapids swirling around me.

I honestly don't know whether he was crying too or just stunned into silence. His voice shook as he directed me to the door and out to the truck. I think we are letting go of what once was. But I know whatever happens. I won't be facing it alone.

Fighting Cancer is hard 

when you just found out you have it

Launching the Ship!

Hi.  You can well see that I go by the name Rosey.  I welcome you.  This is a brand spanking new blog dedicated to the truth about breast cancer.  I have been asked multiple times now to share my experience, views what I learned about cancer, about people in general and about myself.  So I will be starting at the beginning and working toward present day.  I really hope that my honesty will help another person through the most wretched experience of my life.


I have another blog that I've linked this one to.  It is at Through Rosey's Glasses